Sunday, August 15, 2010

In a Bad Place Right Now

I try to keep my posts upbeat and positive.  Most of the time I am trying to pep myself up.  The fact of the matter is, I'm in a very low place right now.  I feel it is important to post these low points as well.  I know so many women struggle with these low points and I didn't want to leave a reader thinking I have it all together, all the time.  It's just not true.  In fact, during this whole weight loss journey I have had more lows than highs.  I want you all to know that I struggle just like you do.  You are not alone.

Today I did something absolutely horrible.  First off, I dragged my husband to the pet store.  I thought it would be fun to show off the new puppy and get some professional photos taken.  I didn't think we'd be there for almost 3 hours...  DH is not an extrovert.  He prefers not to be around so many people for so long.  So, understandably, he was worn out when we finally got out of the store.  He was talking about how great it was for him to ride his bike out in nature and be away from people and I got hurt and jealous because I get winded riding 1/2 a mile.  I told him that it bothered me to hear him talk about that but I did so in such a manner that I hurt him deeply.  I hurt my husband with my own insecurity.  That is horrible.

For these last two months, since my surgery, I have been struggling.  I have been too exhausted; it's been too hot; I've been too busy; we don't have enough water for me to shower more than a couple times a week.  Put that all together and you get a very cranky mom who isn't working out and who craves chocolate to keep the depression at bay.  I am hoping that is all it is.  I'm hoping that once fall and winter come I can pop in a fitness movie, open the window and let that heavenly 20* wind blow through while I sweat it out in the living room.  I just feel lost.  I feel like my motivation is drained.  I have nothing left.  I think to myself all the time, "why bother"?

I know that if I keep trying, keep eating healthy foods and limiting my snacks and sweets, moving in some way everyday, that I will lose weight.  It is science.  If I don't lose weight, something is seriously wrong with my body, and the Dr's have ruled those out, so I will lose weight.  It's just so hard to keep it up when I am so discouraged day after day.  I have gained back 9lbs since my surgery.  I know I lost all that weight during the time that I was on a strict low fat diet, but I also felt starved and miserable.  I was snapping at everyone because I felt like I was always hungry.  I need to find a middle ground between starving on a low fat diet and depressed over my weight gain.  I just don't know how to find that balance without losing my mind!  Any suggestions?
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