Last night before bed, my husband said something last night that literally broke my heart. He had no idea how it would impact me and I am glad he was honest and felt comfortable sharing, but it stung deep nonetheless.
Has anyone ever said something to you, like mentioning something you could do if you weren't so heavy but are unable to do now, that should have motivated you to lose the weight but instead left you bitter and vindictive? How did you handle it? I had no idea how to process it. He apologized for hurting my feelings and I assured him that I was glad he had told me and that I would be fine after I figured out how to feel about it, and that was that last night.
However, I am pretty sure what he said led to this...
This morning I woke up from a nightmare that very few have ever had. In fact, to most people I imagine it would be just a strange dream and not a nightmare at all. You see, normally when I dream I see myself as I once was and who I am inside, young and trim, but this time I was just as I look in the mirror. I was sitting at a table sipping a tea with my husband, our son, and some other people whom I did not know. I was reading a cookbook for alternative ways to cook fattening foods and commented on how their recipes still contained some very fatty ingredients that I would rather cut out. A woman came up to me and started in on me about my weight and how I was so irresponsible to my husband and child for being so obese. Surprised, I told her that it was obvious that I am overweight, gesturing to my stomach and shooting a glance at DH and another person at the table who I think was my ex-fiance but he didn't look the same, mentioning that "some" people like to remind me of it often, and polietly thanked her for her opinion. She went on to say that I need to exercise more and not eat so much. I again calmly explained that I in fact only eat one meal a day and that, if anything, I need to eat more to bring my metabolism up. I also told her that I go to the gym every night after DH gets home so he can watch our son. She walked away mumbling about my heaviness and laziness and I woke up. I wanted to cry but there were no tears.
The thing that upsets me the most is that most people assume I am lazy and eat fatty foods all day long. It's safe to assume that I suppose, since a lot of people who are overweight or obese do just that, but I don't. In fact, it isn't even my fault that I am the way I am right now. I was a 140lb model with long, beautiful legs and sexy curves before I started taking Depo Provera in high school. It was the newest birth control on the market so the doctors were pushing it without knowing the ramifications. My periods were so severe that my doctor said I needed to stop having them or I might need blood transfusions very soon. Depo would, and did, do that. It also weakened my muscles and bones, gave me horrible mood swings, pushed me down the deep dark hole of depression and anxiety, and caused me to gain over 70lbs in the first two years. At that point I was sick with myself; I was taking some anti-depression medication and finally had the will to start working out. I managed to keep from gaining any more weight, but I was unable to lose any. Three years later my doctor found a tumor on my ovary, three days before my 23rd birthday. During surgery I lost the ovary and fallopian tube and almost lost my entire reproductive system. I remember what the surgeon told me that day in post op... It was pre-cancerous and if we had waited any longer I would have become surgically barren (I was only 23 with our wedding 6 months away), it could happen again with any of my periods, and that I was in the obese category; he suggested I lose a substantial amount of weight by (guess what?) not eating so much junk food and working out more often. At that time I was eating the healthiest I ever had in my life and working out daily. DH and I decided two things. One, I was going off the Depo immediately. Two, we wanted children and having a child of our own was more important than the risks it could involve. A year later we became pregnant with LB and you all know
the story there.
It's a sad, painful story, but it's what I have to show for myself. My life thus far has been made up of sad, misinformed, mistakes. However, at the time, those decisions were the best available so I had to do what I could with what information I had. I have no regrets, just a deep sadness and perhaps a little bitterness. With all that said,
it may not be my fault that I am obese, but it IS my fault that I STILL am. I am off of the Depo provera; I am no longer pregnant; and I am equipped with the tools and information I need to lose weight.
So the big question is, why do I even want to slim down? I honestly don't know... the only real reason I have is a bit shallow, but I intend to use this week to figure it out, the answer to my
W.I.D.T.H. (why I do this here).
