Thursday, January 27, 2011

Loving Yourself For Who You Are

EDIT:  After re-reading my post I realize I sound very critical on all people who are overweight.  I did not mean to sound that way.  This post was about my disgust with my own body.  I just felt that most of my posts sound so easy and uplifting when I really don't feel that way all the time.  Losing this weight is not easy and I am not happy about my life (as far as my weight is concerned), how I got here, or the apparent difficulty it is to get healthy again.  It was so easy to get unhealthy.  I simply went to the Dr. every three months and got a shot in my hip then went about my life.  It may have been the right course of action at the time, but looking back I know now that it was the easy way out and now I am paying the price.

Now that I have had time to calm down from last night and not write while upset, I would like to explain my feelings a bit better.  I will leave my original post below in italics because I don't believe it is right to delete it outright.  I wrote it, published it, and although I used the wrong wording to say what I meant, it is no less true today than it was last night.  Just a bit more harsh on myself.  Here is what I meant to convey, hopefully in the right words today:

It seems like the phrase "love yourself for who you are" applies more to people who are relatively healthy but who envy the "perfect" body.  Anytime I hear someone say that I then hear them talk about "those last few pounds" or a blemish that will never go away.  To me, it seems to have a bit less impact to myself who is morbidly obese.  I guess I feel like that saying is telling me to "accept myself for who I am and get over it".  There is no "getting over" who I am today.  If I continue down the path I am on right now I won't likely live to see my grandchildren.  I may not even survive a second pregnancy.  I nearly died giving birth to LB, twice.  I think perhaps that phrase should instead say "accept yourself for where you are right now and work healthfully to get where you want to be".  That I can live with.  It is just frustrating that there is plenty of advice for the woman who is struggling over those last 5lbs but time after time all I hear for my situation is eat less and exercise more.  Although that may be the key to weight loss, that advice completely ignores the fact that I struggle just as much emotionally over my weight as the woman who is beating herself up over those last few pounds.  I guess I'm just feeling bitter about people assuming every overweight person became that way through gluttony.  In fact, most of us eat healthily and exercise weekly or even daily as is the case for several of the blogs I read.  Why does our self esteem mean any less than someone else's?

Again, I apologize if my original words seemed harsh and universal.  I intended them to speak of myself and how I feel toward my body as it is, not for obesity as a whole.

We've all heard it a million times; we should love ourselves just the way we are.  There is no need to be 5'9, 145 lbs, with long golden locks, high cheek bones and perfect C cup breasts.  However true that statement may be, I've really been struggling over it.  I DON'T want to be that woman... I WANT to be the woman I was 6 years ago.  I want to be 5'5, 150 lbs, curvy, with brownish red hair that never seems to do what I want it to and eyes that squint closed when I smile a not so white smile thanks to genetics and fluoride treatments.  Sometimes I get angry at the statement "Love yourself for who you are."  How the hell does that apply to me?  I'm not a healthy, relatively nice looking person looking at a super model and pining.  I'm a morbidly obese woman who can't even paint her own toenails looking at women walking around with a bit of pudge around the middle.  What I wouldn't give to be her.

Do you ever feel this way?  Does it ever feel like that statement really has nothing to do with you right now?  I have to be honest with you; I don't have the answer.  I have no idea how to love myself when I feel like an abomination of what a human being is supposed to be.  If it weren't for modern medicine, most of the obese people in the world would have died.  It's a simple fact.  Humans were not supposed to live like this.  I can love who I am emotionally and psychologically, but how do I love the body I am in today?  And is it okay to love everything about yourself except the obese body you are in?
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