I suppose you might have noticed by now that my normal cheery, uplifting posts have turned to cynical, and much less frequent, ones. I also imagine it is pretty obvious by now that I was, and I suppose still am, dealing with another bout of depression... all when I have brand new readers! Oh where are my manners? I feel like I ought to say I'm sorry for my lack of posting and my downer personality of late. I wouldn't say I've hit a rock bottom, but I think I'm sliding in that direction. Thankfully I seem to have found some solid ground to rest a while and start working myself back out. {Somehow imagining myself in a deep dark hole but no longer sliding down it, resting on a ledge and looking up at the light streaming down from above makes me smile and feel a little better already. The mind sure is an amazing thing.}
Anywho... I have discovered some things that were bringing my mood down and some things that are helping me to feel better about myself and where I am in life right now. I wanted to share them with you, my friends. {Warning: This post has turned out MUCH longer than I had planned... sorry if I seem to be rambling but honestly, I really haven't sat down and thought about all these feelings before so it's sort of just flowing out of me right now.}
As you know, and as an announcement of sorts for my new readers, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks a couple of months ago. At the time I wasn't very upset about the matter. I knew it was going to happen for a week before I actually lost the baby so I guess I felt like I was prepared. When it actually happened all I felt was physical pain and the emotional pain of my first miscarriage back in high school nearly 8 years ago when I was completely alone physically and emotionally. Afterward I felt okay. I went to the doctor to make sure I wouldn't need any further assistance because at 12 weeks the fetus is supposed to be "safe" and miscarriages after that date usually need surgery to make sure the mother doesn't get an infection. Everything turned out just fine and life went back to somewhat normal. It wasn't until I went to my Bible study a couple weeks later that I realized how hurt I was. There are at least five in the program of thirty or so women that are obviously pregnant. It was so painful to see their smiling faces, watch them rubbing their swollen bellies, and hear about all their appointments and what sex the baby was. I felt guilty because I wasn't sure I was ready for baby number two and then we lost him or her. I also felt defeated because I knew I couldn't get pregnant again until I was under 180lbs. That weight puts me in the "overweight" category and drops my chance of complications by quite a lot. It's the weight DH and I have decided on before we begin trying again. It's a good choice and is the best one for our family, but sometimes it makes me feel defeated before I even begin. Forty pounds seems so far away right now. It took me a year to lose 10lbs following Little Bit's birth. Sometimes I feel like a liar when I tell people I lost 40lbs. I
am about 40lbs lighter than when I had LB, but I only worked 10 of those pounds off. The rest was just my body taking care of extra water weight by making me run to the bathroom every 10 minutes for a week postpartum. How am I going to lose 40lbs so we can have another baby? I just keep thinking LB will be 6 year old before we can try again at this rate. You can see how this has been harder on me that I first thought it was. I feel as though I'm being punished for being fat even though I know it's just what is healthiest for me and our future children.
My weight itself has been trying on me as well. As you can see in my weight loss chart, my weight keeps going back and forth. 227.2 down to 226 back up to 227.2 down to 226....
My husband told me something today that has my hopes up a bit though. He said to look at my chart closer and ignore the numbers. I am falling down two slots and only going back up one. So if I can keep this trend next week I will be below 226. I might get to 225 and then back up to 226 but then I should fall back down to 225 or 224lbs. I hope he is right. Maybe my body has found a pattern. I am going to do two things with this knowledge. 1) Try not to let it psych me out and actually gain this week artificially since stress seems to play a huge factor in my weight loss and 2) I am going to work out harder to show myself that it is dropping two slots each time.
I've found a couple of things that should help me to lose this weight. Two of them are Bible studies. One,
The Frazzled Female, I am working on right now and the second,
Made to Crave, I plan on buying next week. The Frazzled Female has helped me to relax, eliminate the things in my life that I really don't need to worry and stress about, and first and foremost, put God first. My faith has not always been the cornerstone of who I am, but every time I make it that, things go better for me. I suppose I believe in God because He's the only one who has made any positive change in my life so I plan on sticking by Him. I've noticed my mood getting more positive as I've thought about Him first and my problems second. I've also noticed that I have less problems that way too. Made to Crave is a Bible study specifically about living a healthy life with food. As far as I can tell, without having read the book yet, the premise is that we were made to crave God. Some people crave money or fame more than God; I crave food and the numbers on my scale to drop more and that is where I have gone wrong. When I focus on food and on my scale I can't see the bigger picture and I just get more frustrated and the pounds pack on and on. I need to shift my focus away from my unhealthy obsession and look at something positive and loving, which for me is God.
Finally I have some old fashioned exercise to help me out on my continued weight loss journey. I went out yesterday and bought some things... new costume jewelry to make myself feel pretty, supportive and lacy bras to make myself feel sexy and confident, and some sexy little boots to lift the butt and thighs and make me look hot in my jeans... or undies if the occasion suits them. And last, but not least, I bought a brand new swimsuit! It's one of those $100 bra fitted dress ones and it was on clearance! Living in Alaska during -20* weather does have one perk apparently. I was so excited to get such a nice swimsuit for a decent price. I called DH from the store to make sure it would be put to good use before paying for it and he said we could go to the gym and swim every weekend. I have also asked him if he would work out with me while I do my wii fit exercises. He doesn't like the wii fit, but he has agreed to do sit ups along side me. I really think I need someone to work out with to keep me motivated and I love that my husband has stepped up to the plate for me. I don't really have many friends here and working out becomes a problem when childcare isn't available.
Overall, I think things should be looking up from here on out. I'm sure I still have some more issues to deal with, but I feel more able to do that now a days. Thanks for hanging in there with me y'all. You mean the world to me just reading along and supporting me with your words. I'll be back on Monday for Monday Motivation. I hope you'll join me and link up one of your posts.
