Monday, December 20, 2010

I wanna be excited about Santa again...

or anything for that matter.  I don't get excited about anything anymore.  It's likely due to my depression in the most part... but part of it is that nothing truly excites me.  I was pretty excited when I got a bucket of mail one day, but that was like 6 months ago and nothing since then.  Not even this pregnancy.  Where does that childish enthusiasm go?  I feel like I am robbing LB by not being excited about anything.  I know he didn't smile until close to 6 months old because I never smiled during that time... and now I think he is such a calm and deciding baby because I don't interact with him emotionally.  I know I haven't ruined him,  but I feel as though I am stunting his imagination.  Heck, I've lost about 50lbs (give or take) this year and even that doesn't excite me!  All I see is obese and the same weight I was when I got pregnant with LB.  I'm back at square 1 with little to show for it.

Christmas is days away and I'm not excited.  I am grateful for Christ's birth (even though it was likely not in December) but not excited.  I want to be gitty and have that "sneak into the living room at 4am to make sure Santa came and then go back to sleep... or you know, wait in my room unable to sleep" kind of feeling.  Any suggestions on finding my inner child again?  I totally need to order a bunch of small, inexpensive things off Amazon so I can have a bucket o mail again! lol  I mean look at that face... I don't have eyes!  I am smiling so big they disappeared! teehee
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